


Now All Your Love Is Wasted

by devilswhore_x



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Accident, Gandrew Week, Gandrew Week 2020, I made Shane an asshole here, M/M, Sorry Not Sorry, sad andrew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24050461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilswhore_x/pseuds/devilswhore_x
Summary: His vision was blurred with tears the entire time, chest tight, his breath shallow and quick. When he could barely see the road in front of him he pulled over and he let himself cry - unsure if it was because of anger or because his entire world had disintegrated before him.
Relationships: Andrew Siwicki/Garrett Watts, Ryland Adams/Shane Dawson
Comments: 16
Kudos: 18
Collections: Gandrew Week 2020





	Now All Your Love Is Wasted

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4 - Accident
> 
> Big shoutout to Esme for this - this fic was inspired by a tumblr text post she made a while ago, and she's been a happy distraction and help during my writers block. Not sure if it's quite how you wanted it but I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Title is from 'Skinny Love' by Birdy

Andrew cackled at the chaos in the kitchen. They were all attending Morgan's Coachella and had just finished their 'pre-gaming' - and despite his protests, Andrew had already had a couple of shots of vodka.

“Andrew, can we talk?” Shane asked, a nervous tone to his voice.

“Yeah of course,” Andrew replied.

He led them away from the madness into the backyard. Shane fiddled with the soft sash on his robe awkwardly, clearing his throat and taking a deep breath.

“I don’t quite know how to say this so I’m just going to come out with it. I still have feelings for Garrett.”

“What?!” Andrew exclaimed, gobsmacked, “how long have you felt this way?” 

Shane sighed deeply and looked up to the sky, as if to find answers there. “To be honest, I don’t think they ever really went away. It’s true that we never would have worked as a couple - that’s why we never got together in the first place - but Garrett was the first guy I connected with properly after coming out. I guess those sorts of feelings just stay with you no matter what.”

“This is a lot to take in, Shane,” Andrew said, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” His heart and his mind were racing, shock and anger sizzling under his skin.

“You don’t have to say anything yet. I just want you to know I love you both too much to ruin what we have. You’ve always been more than just a colleague to me. I value our friendship way too much. You have nothing to worry about, I promise you,” Shane said earnestly. Andrew narrowed his eyes at him, searched his face to see if he was lying. He seemed sincere.

“Alright,” Andrew said curtly, “have you told Ryland about all this?”

Shane hesitated and avoided Andrew’s gaze. “Well, he’s part of the reason why I’m telling you. He saw that I’d been messaging Garrett all the time-”

“What do you mean messaging Garrett all the time?” Andrew demanded, fury spiking in his voice.

“Not like that! Honestly, it’s nothing untoward, just normal silly back and forths. Ryland just got the wrong idea. You know Garrett and I’s friendship has been a bit...strained recently. I was pushing him away for a lot of reasons, but I think partly - subconsciously even - because of these feelings I’ve been having. So I’ve been trying to reach out to him more.”

“I guess Ryland may not have been right about what you were saying in the messages but he was right to be concerned,” Andrew said dryly.

“Well you know how he can be,” Shane shifted uncomfortably, “sometimes he can get a little jealous. And he’s always thought mine and Garrett’s friendship was a bit strange. So he asked me if I still had feelings for Garrett. And I can’t lie to him. So I said yes.”

“Jesus, Shane.”

“I love him more than anything, he is my world. I really mean that. We’re okay now, we talked it out. He also encouraged me to talk to you about it. Believe me when I tell you this,” he looked Andrew directly in his eyes, intense and upfront, “I would never do anything to jeopardize yours and Garrett’s relationship. I just needed to tell you otherwise I was going to go crazy. I don’t want us to have any secrets.” 

“I just wished you’d done this at a different time,” Andrew said, grinding his teeth in frustration, “you didn’t think that in the middle of filming a video was a dumb idea?”

“I know. I’m sorry. I guess it’s just been on my mind a lot and with all the drinking we’ve been doing...” Shane trailed off and looked at his feet. 

“I’m not gonna lie to you, Shane, this hurts. I can’t imagine why you thought this would go well,” Andrew replied, exasperated.

“I am truly sorry. Are you mad?”

Andrew took a deep breath and exhaled loudly, relaxing his clenched fists and running his hands through his hair.

“I’ll be honest, I’m not exactly happy about it. I appreciate this wasn’t the easiest thing for you to admit. But...I believe you when you say nothing will happen.”

“Thank you, Andrew. Also please don’t be angry at Garrett, this isn’t his fault. He doesn’t know either.”

“I’m not angry at him at all. I know this isn’t his fault,” Andrew retorted. _It’s yours_ Andrew thought. He held his tongue. 

“Please don’t say anything to him yet,” Shane begged. 

“I’m not keeping a secret from my boyfriend,” Andrew said tightly, jaw clenched.

“I’m not asking you to. I’m going to talk to him later, I promise. Probably in the morning, when we’ve all had a chance to sober up a little.” 

“Andrew? Shane? Morgan is ready for us,” Ryland yelled out the patio door.

“We should go,” Shane said quietly.

“Yeah.”

They joined up with the others at the front of the house, laughing at Morgan’s drunken attempt to shuttle them with the golf cart. Garrett was filming them on his phone, laughing widely. Andrew’s face finally softened. He joined him and threaded their fingers together. 

After that conversation, Andrew decided he was going to drink. A lot.

***

It was a few hours after they’d finished filming for Ryland’s Taco Bell Hotel; they’d spent some time chilling in the kitchen, eating cold burritos, a few of them soaking up the last of the sun before it disappeared behind their house. Hunter, Morgan, Drew, and Emile had left already, Morgan passed out in the guest room after too many margaritas. 

Andrew and Ryland were lounging with the dogs on the couch - Uno on Andrew’s lap, Honey on Ryland’s. Cheeto was taking up a whole seat on the opposite side of the couch. 

“So how have things been with you and Garrett?” Ryland asked.

“Yeah good, we actually had our unofficial anniversary the other day,” Andrew smiled, scratching Uno’s ear softly.

“Hey, that’s great, congratulations!”

“Thanks, man.”

Ryland hesitated and for a moment. “So things haven’t been weird since your talk with Shane?”

“No, it’s been fine actually. I’ll admit, I was angry at Shane for a while. Garrett and I talked about it after Shane spoke to him - he was about as shocked as I was. It was definitely a good thing for us all to have a bit of a break from each other after. But I trust them both.”

“You don’t think their friendship can get a little weird?” Ryland said, uncertainty in his voice.

“No, I think because they’re so close they bring the best but sometimes the worst out in each other.”

Ryland nodded in agreement and yawned, stretching his arms out and cuddling Honey close.

"I guess we should get going," Andrew said, “Gar? It’s getting late, let's go,” he called out from the bottom of the stairs. “Garrett?” When there was no answer he glanced over at Ryland. 

“I saw him go up there with Shane earlier,” Ryland said, “get them back down here I need him to help me clean up.”

“We can stay and help if you want?”

“No it’s fine, you guys go. Thank you though,” he smiled. 

Andrew nodded and made his way upstairs. He heard low voices coming from the bedroom and figured Shane and Garrett had made a start on cleaning up in there. He padded down the hallway and pushed the door open, a soft smile on his face, expecting to see the boys giggling and throwing trash and sauce packets at each other.

What he didn’t expect to see was Shane and Garrett locked together in a close embrace, kissing each other passionately.

He heard his gasp rather than felt it. 

Shane and Garrett whipped around to look at him, horrified looks on their faces. It felt like everything was going in slow motion. He could see them talking but everything was muffled like his ears were stuffed with cotton. 

He turned and ran down the stairs, pushing past a confused-looking Ryland on the way down.

“Andrew wait, can we at least talk about this?” Garrett pleaded, running to keep up with Andrew’s pace.

“Talk about what, how I just walked in on my boyfriend and best friend kissing? How fucking stupid I was to trust you both to spend time together knowing your past? After what Shane said to me? How goddamn selfish you’re both being? How you’ve ruined two perfectly good relationships-” his voice cracked and he swallowed hard. He kept up his quick pace, making his way out of Shane’s house and to Garrett’s car. 

“It’s not like that, please-” Garrett sobbed, catching hold of Andrew's arm. He ripped it away sharply and Garrett brought his hand to his chest, holding it as if he’d been burned.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Andrew said. His jaw was clenched and he looked up at Garrett. His face was wet with tears, face flushed, eyes red, hunched in on himself. Andrew had never seen him look so small. He sighed, walked through the courtyard, and got into the car without looking back.

“Wait, how am I going to get home?” Garrett asked, running up next to him as Andrew started the car. He rolled the window down and avoided his gaze.

“Don’t bother coming home,” Andrew spat, “why don’t you go back upstairs to your new boyfriend.”

He managed to drive a few blocks before pulling over, determined to be far enough away that Garrett wouldn’t see him stop. His vision was blurred with tears the entire time, chest tight, his breath shallow and quick. When he could barely see the road in front of him he pulled over and he let himself cry - unsure if it was because of anger or because his entire world had disintegrated before him.

***

That night Andrew couldn’t sleep. He’d driven home on autopilot and as soon as he got in he went straight to bed. He was exhausted but his mind was racing. He tossed and turned, the smell of Garrett’s cologne and mint shampoo surrounding him. His eyes filled with tears as he ripped the entire bedspread off, fury and desperation coursing through his body as he tried to rid the bed of any and all of Garrett’s scent.

He collapsed back down onto the empty bed and pulled his knees to his chest. His body ached with exhaustion, sadness seeping into his bones like a leaky ceiling. Every time he closed his eyes he’d have images of Shane and Garrett kissing flash across his vision, picking up a different detail and replaying it over and over again. Shane’s hands laced in Garrett’s hair. Garrett’s hand in the small of Shane’s back, holding him like he usually did with Andrew. It was always his silent way of saying ‘I got you’ - it comforted Andrew every time he did it, like it was something special saved just for him. But now it felt meaningless. It only lasted a few seconds but it was burned into his brain, singed into his memory forever.

The room was silent, aside from Andrew’s sniffling. The quiet was almost deafening. He could hear the fridge buzzing and the trees rustling softly outside. They usually listened to music while they slept, but the playlist was on Garrett’s phone. He gave up on sleep and heaved himself out of bed, padding out to the kitchen to get a glass of water. His phone was sitting on the counter, thrown down next to his keys and wallet. He’d turned it off whilst he was driving home, the constant sound of the rings had gotten too much. Despite his mood, his hands itched to turn his phone back on - if for nothing else than a distraction

Walking back into their bedroom, he laid down and turned his phone back on. It lit up and Andrew’s heart ached at the sight of his background picture. It was one they had taken a while ago by Shane’s pool, sunset in front of them and fields in the background. They had been filming all day and decided to take a break and chill out. Garrett had snapped the photo quickly after telling one of his too-long stories, of which Andrew secretly loved. Garrett had a goofy smile that Andrew tried to match but failed. This was before they were officially together, but Andrew knew then he loved Garrett more than anyone he ever had before. It was Andrew’s favorite picture of them together. He shook his head to get rid of the buzzing of his thoughts and scrolled through his phone. Ignored the missed calls and voicemails from Garrett and Shane, he expected them to be there. But what he wasn’t expecting was a text from Ryland.

_I told you so._

Andrew read and re-read the text what felt like a thousand times, fury and hurt coursing through his veins. He hurled his phone across the room, hearing it smash against the wall and thud onto the floor. He didn’t care if it broke.

Andrew wasn’t sure what time it was when he finally drifted off to sleep, but the last thing he remembered was the sun starting to fight through the cracks in the curtain, attempting to warm his cold, damp face.

***

Garrett came home about a week later. Andrew had spent most of the time in bed, sleeping only a few hours a night. The time he was awake he spent rehearsing all the things he wanted to say when Garrett got home. Now was his chance.

“Hi, Andrew,” Garrett said, sitting next to him on the couch.

Andrew turned the projector off and took a deep breath.

“Garrett, I’m going to say something now, and I need you to let me talk. I’ve been thinking over this for a long time,” he explained. Garrett nodded silently.

"I don't want to be this mad at you. I don't want to hate you. The time I've spent with you has been the best and happiest of my life. But because you did something stupid, now I have to feel bad. That's not right. And it's not okay." 

“I love you so much, Garrett. So fucking much. I really wanted you to be the one I stayed with forever. I thought you weren’t like everyone else. I know this wasn’t just your doing, Shane is just as much to blame, if not more so,” he sighed and met Garrett’s gaze, his blue eyes red and bloodshot. He looked as bad as Andrew felt. “But you hurt me so much and I just can’t forgive you right now.” 

“What are you saying?” Garrett said, never breaking eye contact. His lip quivered and a tear slid down his cheek. Andrew clenched his fists and looked away. He looked around the small house. It had been theirs for almost a year. He glanced over at the pictures of them on the fridge, all of Garrett’s tiny things, the corner of the apartment which held their stuffed animals they’d gifted each other over the years. It had started as a joke before they got together; little plushies from happy meals, bobbleheads of their favorite movie or tv show character, or animals from crappy airport souvenir shops when they visited different states or countries. A lot of them got thrown out when Garrett was cleaning out the house, but their favorites made the cut. His eyes locked on their unicorn plushie. 

His chest hurt.

“I’m saying I..I can’t do this anymore. It just hurts too much,” Andrew said. He struggled to get his words out, throat sore, words raspy, almost like he had been screaming for hours.

“Andrew I’m sorry it was an accident,” Garrett wept frantically.

“Garrett, please, no. I’ve heard enough.” Andrew replied, and with all the strength in his body, he reached over and closed the gap between the two of them, kissing Garrett’s forehead softly, knowing this was the last time he would see him.

“Goodbye, Garrett.”

“Goodbye Andrew,” Garrett whispered, tears glistening in his eyes.

Andrew got up, left his house key on the counter, and walked out of the door. As soon as the door shut behind him he heard Garrett sob. Andrew hesitated on the porch - part of him was desperate to go back inside and forget everything, comfort the love of his life and pray for everything to go back to normal. The other part of him was still so heartbroken, the pain and betrayal still fresh and raw. This was one of the hardest decisions he’s ever had to make in his life, but he knew deep down he could try to forgive but he’ll never forget. 

He took a deep breath and confirmed his decision. 

He walked away.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're still here, thank you. And I'm sorry.  
> Stay tuned for day 5! Remember to follow 'gandrewweek' on Tumblr


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